I do my greatest thinking in the shower. I should just live in the shower. Maybe I can install a device to take down all my great ideas and make the world a better place.
Earlier today, I noticed someone on Instagram had written me a comment. It was someone who I had a lot of connection to in Hungary. We shared meals and fun times. This person has been silent to me for a while now.
Later in the day, someone on Facebook was sad and I felt sad for that person. This was a person who was in my class at Auguste Escoffier School Of Culinary Arts. I wrote something to try to cheer her up. I am not sure it worked, but I suffer from PTSD and I often wish someone would cheer me up or at least try. Unfortunately most people cannot make me laugh as much as I make myself laugh.
In my head these two separate circumstances are related. In the first case, there was another person who we were friends with in Hungary, but I would say to a lesser degree. Much lesser degree. Yet, since I moved to Colorado we have spoken much more than my friend I knew better in Hungary. We chat and talked on Skype often.
In the second story the person who was in the class I was taking in Boulder was not a friend. We did not really get along at all. She loved pumpkin everything. I hated it. It was awful. She was bossy. (Side note: I have noticed that women in kitchens and in university classes are really bossy and I do not see a reason for it.) There were a lot of other people in the school I spent more time with and I thought they were friends. I have not heard from any of them. Somehow this person and I became Facebook friends.
This got me thinking how strange life is for me. I suck at friendships. I always give myself to the wrong people. I used to have a friend who could make me laugh, but he killed me in the end. I gave ten years of my life to someone who disappeared on me.
I wondered how it will be since I graduated from Colorado State University. I had some friends there and I do not hear from them yet, but I hear from the ones I did not expect to hear from.
One noticeable difference is that both of these people have been working hard at improving themselves. The one in Hungary just graduated college this past week and the other from Colorado is going to graduate college soon. It seems like we have been on a similar track in life.
Otherwise, I am not sure how these things happen. How do people get me to care about their stupid lives, then crap on me and disappear? And how do I care about people who did not matter at all? Why does my heart hurt for people? I hate them for making me care so deeply.
As Echo and the Bunnymen said, “Lips Like Sugar” or was it “People Are Strange”? Maybe both songs work.
an ocean roars 