Yesterday someone was talking to me about making Milestones. Maybe that was not the conversation and that was my take away. I do not have many milestones that I remember, except bad ones. I think I could name all the good ones or the ones I remember the clearest quickly.
- When I met my best friend in Hungary. I remember that day clearly.
- I remember getting my job in Budapest and finding my first flat.
- Moving to the U.S.A. from Europe.
- Graduating college in 2017. I worked hard to accomplish it. I remember who was there and what we did.
I made a new one yesterday. I started walking/running around the lake near my house about sixty-eight days ago. I go every day, except for the two weeks after I fell off the bicycle and became a bit fearful. Recently I started going again. The first day was difficult, but the second one was easier.
Yesterday was about the eleventh day back walking/running. I arrived to the part of the trail where I start walking for a bit, but I did not stop running. I kept running. I did not know I was going to keep running. It happened. I ran all the way to the end. I ran a whole 3 miles. I was super happy about it. I celebrated the rest of the day. I made it into a milestone.
Today, I could not run as far. I felt exhausted and depressed. I thought about what was different. Why couldn’t I do it? While I was running today I kept looking up at the trail ahead of me. It was too much for me. I knew I could not do it. Yesterday, I looked at the ground when I ran. I looked at the spaces ahead of me and I kept telling myself that I could do it. I only thought about doing it.
Having P.T.S.D. is difficult. I heard this expression from someone “If you think about the past and the future, then you piss on today”. That never fit me. I do not think much about the future. I am not thinking about the present either. I am usually in my head somewhere in the past. I live in the past. I cannot control it. But for that one little bit of time yesterday I was in the present. I just watched my steps and the cracks in the pavement. I thought about all the mother’s backs I was cracking and how I could make it to the next step in front of me.
I wish I could do this in the regular part of the day, but it seems impossible. I was told I am hopeless in this area. I think this is why I have come to enjoy running. I can race against myself and push myself to be a little better at something. I have so many failures throughout the day, but when I run I feel like I can accomplish something. I just have to focus on the next step and not what lies ahead. Maybe soon I will try to create another milestone by doing something radical.
an ocean roars 