The Loop of P.T.S.D.

I do not talk about the loop because it seems sort of personal and I hate being judged for something that I have to live with, but I will try to explain it since a friend asked me about it. The loop is a place I get stuck in from time to time. It takes place in the past, a real past, but it is not completely based in reality. I attribute this to P.T.S.D.

I always knew something was wrong with me inside of my brain, but I did not have words for it. After I moved to Colorado, I became extremely depressed for several reasons: I moved away from my home in Europe, lost my best friend, and I was in complete culture shock. I felt like I was in the Land of Oz, but I did not have the Scarecrow, the Tin Man and the Cowardly Lion to help me navigate the journey. I felt alone. I sought some help and I was tested. I have a strong case of P.T.S.D. I was told I might be hopeless.

Now, I understand some things that happen to me are because of the torture I went through as a child. I live in the past, at least inside my head. I am almost always there. I come back up for air from time to time. I hear some of the things happening around me, but my mind is in the past, especially when I am in a loop.

The loop is a time in my life that I go back to and I am able to change the circumstances or an incident that happened, then I live that time over with a different outcome. It seems nice to think about maybe once, but I do not think of it once. I go back in time and change it many times, then play out the situation or period of time to the end, which might bring me to the present day. Then I start over again. The loop seems like a happy place, but it really is not because I will eventually come to the end of it. It is like living in hell, but this hell might seem pleasant, until you realise it was not reality and it was hell.

Right now, I am in a loop. I think part of it is due to the list of 1001 Albums You Must Hear Before You Die. Skip the book. It sucks. I am in a part of my life when I first moved away from my family to find a safe place. I wanted to feel safe, but it did not work, everything fell apart again so I moved on. I have done this few times in life. I am stuck in that time period’s loop. I will change this time every day for days, weeks, maybe even a month.

Eventually, it will end. I will get out of the loop. I will have my normal days of living in the past, but I can move through time quickly. I will not live in the loop and hope for something wonderful to happen to me. I will live in the past and know that nothing good will happen for me. I will never be loved. I will never have a best fried like other people. I will never be able to feel at peace. I will always be alone. Until the next loop.

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