Little Earthquakes was my introduction to Tori Amos. I became a fan of her quickly. I turned my friends onto her music. I finally found someone new I could relate to. I went to see her in concert three times, I think. She was amazing in concert. I remember the first concert the most. It was like going through a therapy session. Amos was giving voice to some of my thoughts and feelings of living in silence. I remember going with Eric and two other friends. I have not listened to her much lately. I do not care for her current musical direction.
“Crucify” was my song. I felt the lyrics deep inside my soul. I would crucify myself everyday. I think in many ways I still do, but on a different level. It is a hard thing to stop when you learned it as a child.
“I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands
Drive another nail in just what god needs one more victim
Why do we crucify ourselves
I crucify myself
Nothing I do is good enough for you
And my heart is sick of being in chains”
All her songs on this album are so deep, but for me “Silent All These Years” is one of the deepest. The lyrics are raw, honest and relatable. I lived all my years in silence. Nobody knows me. Everyone has a piece of me, but no one holds me completely. It is a lonely life for me. I want to scream.
Hey, but I don’t care ’cause sometimes, I said sometimes I hear my voice
I hear my voice, I hear my voice, and it’s been here
Silent all these years. I’ve been here silent all these years
Silent all these, silent all these years”
“Winter” is a beautifully sad song. I often pondered the lyrics and wondered the same thing because many have asked it of me.
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
‘Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses have gone ahead
I tell you that I’ll always want you near
You say that things change my dear
People say never change, yet they ask you to change in another breathe. It is all so confusing. Nobody can be fully accepted. It is an illusion if you think you are accepted.
If you asked me which songs I do not like I would say probably “Happy Phantom” and Leather” are my least favourites. It is not a hate like Joan Baez or Despacito hate, but more like I could skip them or not when I listen to the whole album.
The song that means the most me is “Tear in Your Hand“. It has several meanings to me. At one time, I went through the end of a friendship with this song. The lyrics were so crushing because I knew they were true and I could not change anything.
“I don’t believe you’re leaving cause me and Charles Manson like the same ice cream
I think it’s that girl and I think there’re pieces of me you’ve never seen
Maybe she’s just pieces of me you’ve never seen well”
Most of my friendships ended with me running away. There were probably two that hurt the most. Honestly, there are probably more, but two devastated me because I let go more of myself. I know that will never happen again. I am a wall, a broken wall that nobody wants to enter because it has been abandoned by its inhabitants.
“Maybe maybe it’s time to wave goodbye now
Time to wave goodbye now
Caught a ride with the moon
I know I know you well well better than I used to
Haze all clouded up my mind
In the daze of the why it could’ve never been
So you say and I say you know you’re full of wish”