N is for Night

Day 14: “N is for “Night”. What do you love to do during night time?”

I cannot get to sleep at a decent hour most nights. I am a bit of a night bird. I believe one of the reasons that I cannot sleep is that I think there are things happening in the world that I will miss out on. I want to see everything happening. Probably the main reason is that I fear falling to sleep.

My mind questions whether it is safe to sleep yet. Have I locked the door to my bedroom? Will I be able to sleep without a murderer entering during the night? Will I wake up tomorrow? Am I safe? Not yet, so I have time to do things with interruptions.

My favourite thing to do at night is watch a series or a film. I love to binge watch television series, but I find it hard to find one to get into so I spend a lot of time doing research on each series that sounds interesting. It is the same with shopping. I spend so much time looking at jars of salsa that I eventually don’t buy it because I cannot decide which is better and the reviews I just read all conflict. That was just a weird example, but you get the idea.

I used to love to read at night, but I find it hard to figure out which book to read. Also, after I graduated in 2017, I found it hard to focus on a book. I will get back into reading this year.

The thing I do the most at night is get caught in a loop. I live in time loops. I get caught into past events and in my head I make changes to the situation and relive it to the outcome. The problem is that the outcome is never different. I am always left with the same memory and the same feeling. I cannot change the outcomes in the big picture. This is what P.T.S.D. is like for me.

I love the night because it is quiet and I feel safer because I am alone.

Excerpt From: Scott Green. “397 Journal Writing Prompts & Ideas.” Apple Books.

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