O is for Over

Day 15: “O is for “Over”. What part of your life do you consider to really be “over”?”

Over? Life? Two words most people do not like to hear. I wonder about a lot of things being over, but I am not dead so nothing is really over. I usually live like my life is over at times, but other times I live like it will go on forever.

Children, marriage, and sex.

I think my sex life is over, which means that I will never have children and I never planned on getting married. I cannot picture myself ever getting married. I am so messed up and nobody wants to marry someone with P.T.S.D. Also, I cannot imagine letting someone sleep in my bed all night. I would not be able to sleep if someone was in my bed. I do not like people touching me. It hurts.

Another reason for not getting married is that I am not capable of love. I don’t think I can love. I get easily annoyed by people. Sometimes, when someone is talking to me I am in my head and I see myself walking away while they are speaking. Other times, I slap them first, then walk away.

I doubt I have the patience to put up with a child full time. Maybe if I had the financial situation to afford a child I could do it, but I will never be well off enough.

I was abused so much as a child that I was always afraid that I would become an abuser. I do not want anyone to hurt children. I want to protect them from being abused.

I am not a person that others can love either. I have not been loved for some long in my life. I have learned that people cannot love me either. I will never be loved and I will never love anyone else.

Yes, I definitely will be alone forever. Relationships are a dead part of my life.

Excerpt From: Scott Green. “397 Journal Writing Prompts & Ideas.” Apple Books.

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