4 Year Old Me

Day 30: 4 – “When you were 4 years old, what do you remember most as something that you consider as your ambition?”

Really 4? I do not remember anything from when I was 4. I do remember at 5 I wished I was dead.

I am guessing my life from the birth canal to 4 was not very good. It is not normal to wish for death to come at 5.

I was a blue baby at birth. My mother had to leave me at the hospital. That was probably my first time feeling abandonment from her. It would not get better throughout the years. In fact, I am pretty sure that I wrapped the umbilical cord around my neck because I never what was happening on the outside world.

My whole life was blue. At school I wore all blue and the kids called me the blue boy. Even my underwear and socks were blue. My eyes were sad blue too. Strangers would even tell me that life would get better before I could tell them how bad life was for me. They told me that my eyes were sad. I was always on the verge of tears. I ached inside my soul.

I slept in the closet or under the bed often. I felt protected there. The monster couldn’t get me. At least I thought so.

Excerpt From: Scott Green. “397 Journal Writing Prompts & Ideas.” Apple Books.

2 thoughts on “4 Year Old Me

  1. I remember your eyes, the deep blue color in it, but I have seen joy in it as well. Recently I started listening to talks with a Hungarian born Canadian psychologist, his name is Gabor Maté. Just listening to his conversation makes my mind blown, as he takles trauma, addiction and pain I think I understand it a little more. I suggest to listen one of his talk as well, maybe you can find some answers there.

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